Life is wonderfully good, and God has taken especially good care of me lately. In James we are told that religion God accepts is caring for widows and orphans. Well, I can see and feel His caring in my own life for certain.

I am not "cured" yet. I don't know if anything can accomplish that. Early childhood abandonment leaves scars. But now I can see the scars clearly in how I relate to others. I still have abandonment issues, but I can easily recognize them as such now and can adapt my initial response to be more appropriate. The more I do this, the more natural it has become.

I have truly integrated the notion that my mother did not abandon me for anything I did. Her leaving was her issue, whatever it was. That was a hard concept to truly feel. I got it intellectually quite readily, but to actually feel it was a lot of work.

And I have come to relish in the impermanence of all things - relationships included. Nothing lasts forever, so there will always be separation (or abandonment). Even if my ex-wife, or my mother, or my daughter had stayed with me - one day something would have happened to either them or I and separation would have occurred. Certainly by death, perhaps by other means. But everything has a beginning and an end.

I have worked a bit in Hospice this year and found a particular talent for end-of-life counseling. Certainly my Army experiences lend a hand, but I think my best resource for helping those facing death is my own struggle with abandonment. Everything ends. It's how we look at it that determines how much that end effects us in a negative way. I spent my life fearing abandonment, avoiding abandonment, crying over past abandonments. Now instead I have learned how to enjoy what is without expecting it to last forever.

Things end. People leave. But new things come in their place too. And there are plenty of people out there to replace the ones who move on.

I have not dated at all for almost a year now. I had to properly grieve my ex. She was my best and closest friend, my lover, the mother of my daughter. For 19 years - that makes her the single closest relationship I have ever had in my life. I wasn't with my adopted parents 15 years. It is even likely I will never have the opportunity to be so close to anyone else in this life. Being 49 this year it is possible of course. I could meet a lovely new wife and live with her to a ripe old age.

But Lisa was my whole world emotionally for all of my adult life. And it ended. In retrospect, I am so completely glad it did. I learned so many crucial life lessons, and I was able to really find and work through this abandonment issue that had tainted my entire life. So in this case, without Lisa running off with another man (abandonment for certain) I could never have overcome my mother's abandonment so many years before.

That's not to say I am glad to be done with Lisa. I am not. I love her still with all my broken little heart. But I could not have found healing while clinging to her skirt like she was my long lost mommie. Once I figured out the lessons I needed to learn (abandonment, forgiveness, trust, love to name a few) I had a lot of hope God would bring her home so we could enjoy the deep relationship we had both struggled for all those years.

But no, there is no storybook ending for my little family. At least not that storybook. And I am OK with that. One of my lessons, perhaps the one that I enjoy the most, is finding that love is something I give - not something I get. Actually, this probably took more bite out of abandonment than anything. And once I learned to love and accept myself, I didn't "need" someone else to validate me with their love. Now I can love everyone freely, including myself. I have all the love I "need" in my life, I provide it myself. And it is so completely wonderful to give love away and expect nothing in return. I am now abandonment proof!

And so, when I start dating again in the near future I will be just fine. There are a lot of wonderful women out there, and I am interested in finding merely one of them to love. Two people that don't need each other, but choose to be together - choose to love each other. I am sure it won't be too hard once I start looking again. And if it doesn't last, it will be beautiful for however long I get to share myself with this wonderful woman to be.

Things end, people move on. It's not some great divine conspiracy to hurt me with more abandonment. It's just life.

I am enjoying living it freely.