Been an interesting couple of weeks it has. The weather here has been abysmal, I have been mostly hunkered down on the boat rocking and rolling in the gale force winds and rain. Every now and again I venture out on the bike only to get drenched. Actually, that has been pretty fun. I am always tickled how one can get wetter in the rain than by jumping in the ocean. I will have to discuss that with Kenny, he will be able to provide a mathematical proof.

So I have had a LOT of time to work, read, meditate and search my soul. I am coming to a place of acceptance and peace. I am sure it is merely a way-point on the new journey, but it is a welcome respite nonetheless.

I have worked out who I am vs. who I became to please my adopted parents. I find that I can integrate most of both into who I will be from now on. It seems the major loss was my artistic side. My adopted parents, my father in particular, was much too practical to encourage anything so frivolous. So I am consciously spending more time on artistic endeavors. I bought some art books and supplies and am excited to see where that leads.

I have already rebelled against most of the things my adopted parents foisted on me, or took away, other than the above mentioned art. Over the years I find that nothing I did to be what my adopted father wanted me to be got me any closer to him, so I had quit most of that and have been doing my own thing for years. That sure makes this easier!

I also researched the Elliott history. I may not know my immediate family history, but I darned well know the Elliott history. Interestingly, my history of fighting for my beliefs (really fighting, not metaphorically fighting you civilians) is in tune with the Elliott history. As is my gypsy nature. As are many of my other behaviors that are completely unknown in the "Hassel" world. So now I have, for the first time in my life, some roots. Feels damn good it does.

So soldiering, gypsying and philosophizing are not merely my own twisted affectations, but are in my blood. That is so cool! I have people. I have also decided to begin searching for my birth mother. I was hesitant at first, but now I see it is necessary for completing the process of healing. I have already begun the process, here is hoping it does not break me financially! I am also planning a trip to visit the Elliott clan homeland. That is immediately doable, and not even outrageously priced.

I have taken a number of psychological surveys this past few weeks to see where I am (I have a number of resources from prior jobs and volunteer work). Interestingly my self-esteem is not in the toilet as I had thought when I started this process. In fact, I am pretty healthy all around. Several things are in a bit of flux right now, but the core is actually pretty solid. That is comforting to me, as a couple weeks ago I felt like I was spinning out of control.

Turns out the major thrust of what has been happening is the opening up of repressed feelings. They were intense, but Sedona came to my rescue (as always!) Once I got my head above water, I started separating the feelings out and examined them with the Sedona method techniques. I accepted a few, let go of a few, and am better equipped than ever now for coping with life's little zig-zags.

Where do I go from here? Forward as always. I am continuing to examine feelings as they occur. I am, indeed, a much more emotional creature these days - but I found I was not unemotional before. I have always had and shown deep emotion - just not all of them. There was a big vacuum in emotions tied to the original abandonment and subsequent events.

Pandora's box is now open and they are out. An example? OK, I have always laughed loudly and easily, but I have never cried. My adopted parents told me I never cried even as a child. Not then, not since. I stuffed all those negative emotions and never let them see the light of day. Well they are bloody out now! It is a little disconcerting, because the negative emotions are not ones I am comfortable with yet, but I will be. I decided to not just let them go, but to keep them around a bit to learn from them, get comfortable with them, make them feel welcomed do to speak.

And the stuff about the ex-wife. It was a result of the abandonment issue as thought. She completely triggered my emotions - the ones I could not deal with because I had stuffed them my entire life. It was not about losing my true love for a completely unsuitable woman, it was about being abandoned by a surrogate mother figure (oh, I bet she would love that!)

The experience overflowed the deep crevasse I had the emotions from childhood stuffed into, and feelings and emotions I had no experience with - no understanding or even vague familiarity with - just confused the heck out of me. Once I identified and embraced the individual emotions, it was over. I said one last prayer for her and tossed that 20 years of misery right out of my psyche. May God have mercy on her tortured soul.

My soul, on the other hand, feels a whole lot less tortured these days. It was fun to be completely berserk for a few weeks. Now I know for many folks that seems a bit crazy. I admit it might seem that way to "sane" people, but remember I don't have that handicap! I have always enjoyed difficulty as much as ease. The best surfing waves are always preceded by deep valleys no? Cherish the times of preparation, because the harder they are the better the ride coming up next is going to be. So, I am looking forward to my ride.

And let's see. It is October already, so only one more month of hurricane season. Then my inner gypsy gets to do what it likes doing best. Yes, 2006 will go down in history as my very best year. I suspect that I will find four supermodel wives in Morocco, win 2 or three major lotteries, find my birth mom, end world hunger and bring peace to the middle east. Stay tuned!

Ooooh! Early morning realization! I am fighting to identify self. As a Buddhist, I have spent many, many hours letting go of self (or the self I thought I was). I am only now realizing that perhaps it is a divine gift to have no definitive self to start with. What seemed a curse may be a complete blessing in disguise! Perhaps it is the wrong path entirely to seek self.. Well, here comes some meditation and prayer I can tell you!

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