Lonely Pirate
Adoption Issues & Healing
I feel like a movie. Ever seen one where the
character wakes up one day to find his whole life is not his own?
That would be me. It as if I have found out my happy life is not
mine, but someone else’s and I am merely a clone. Now begins
the heart of my movie - my journey to discover who I am. Actually,
I am not sure I am anybody or anything. I think I crawled up inside
myself at birth when I was orphaned and never came out until now.
That means I have a lot of growing up to do. Ha, I am the oldest
kid on the block!
I can understand why the movie A.I. touched me so deeply. My whole life I have searched, without conscious thought, for the Blue Fairy too. So I can be a real boy. Well, I just found she was a fake too. But I also found I was a real boy all along - I just didn’t know it.
The ego I developed much too early is not me, but a guardian. It is a soldier at the gate to my psyche that protects and hides me from the world. It sends others out to do battle, while keeping me safe inside. It means well, but is based on wrong assumptions made at birth - that life is incredible pain, none of my needs will be met, I have lost the most important part of myself, I am alone. This well meaning ego has caused a life-script full of sadness, grief and loss for me. Non-orphaned kids develop an ego full of nurturing, hope and love - and so their lives develop along those lines. Me, well, I had a little less positive script.
I have spent my life wondering why I am not good enough. Why did my mother not want me? Did I do something wrong? Do others secretly not like me too? Will they leave me alone? I tried to be better. I tried everything I could think of, and none of it changed my situation one whit. I tried success, I tried excitement, I tried compassion, I tried every stunt I could imagine that might gain attention. I finally gave up and turned inward, a knot of denied pain. My ego has driven my construct to try all of this, all in the hopes of finding love and acceptance. Poor soldier-ego. It was formed by an orphan much earlier and with less guidance than it should have been.
But I am going to build a new one, based on the things I know now, instead of the things I assumed as an infant. For instance, I have been loved, I have loved myself. OK, certainly some of that ended painfully - but that was because of my soldier ego. Despite that though, my daughter has opened a new chapter in my understanding of love. I might not have had my own positive childhood experience, but I have participated in hers. I am going to try to integrate what I learned with her, and what I have learned through experience of the positive aspects of my life as Steve to craft a new ego.
Will I succeed or fail? Will real life prove too painful, will I succumb to the driving force that has been guiding me wrongly all these years? Will I grow up anew, as myself this time and find love and happiness? Or will I grow up to find I really am all alone, and now merely have to bear the pain I have hidden away? I am going to try to document this in my Blog here on Lonely Pirate. Pray for me will you? I am going to need a lot of help on this one.
I can understand why the movie A.I. touched me so deeply. My whole life I have searched, without conscious thought, for the Blue Fairy too. So I can be a real boy. Well, I just found she was a fake too. But I also found I was a real boy all along - I just didn’t know it.
The ego I developed much too early is not me, but a guardian. It is a soldier at the gate to my psyche that protects and hides me from the world. It sends others out to do battle, while keeping me safe inside. It means well, but is based on wrong assumptions made at birth - that life is incredible pain, none of my needs will be met, I have lost the most important part of myself, I am alone. This well meaning ego has caused a life-script full of sadness, grief and loss for me. Non-orphaned kids develop an ego full of nurturing, hope and love - and so their lives develop along those lines. Me, well, I had a little less positive script.
I have spent my life wondering why I am not good enough. Why did my mother not want me? Did I do something wrong? Do others secretly not like me too? Will they leave me alone? I tried to be better. I tried everything I could think of, and none of it changed my situation one whit. I tried success, I tried excitement, I tried compassion, I tried every stunt I could imagine that might gain attention. I finally gave up and turned inward, a knot of denied pain. My ego has driven my construct to try all of this, all in the hopes of finding love and acceptance. Poor soldier-ego. It was formed by an orphan much earlier and with less guidance than it should have been.
But I am going to build a new one, based on the things I know now, instead of the things I assumed as an infant. For instance, I have been loved, I have loved myself. OK, certainly some of that ended painfully - but that was because of my soldier ego. Despite that though, my daughter has opened a new chapter in my understanding of love. I might not have had my own positive childhood experience, but I have participated in hers. I am going to try to integrate what I learned with her, and what I have learned through experience of the positive aspects of my life as Steve to craft a new ego.
Will I succeed or fail? Will real life prove too painful, will I succumb to the driving force that has been guiding me wrongly all these years? Will I grow up anew, as myself this time and find love and happiness? Or will I grow up to find I really am all alone, and now merely have to bear the pain I have hidden away? I am going to try to document this in my Blog here on Lonely Pirate. Pray for me will you? I am going to need a lot of help on this one.
As the skin of a snake
is sloughed onto an
Anthill, so does the mortal body fall; but
The Self, freed from the body, merges in
Brahman, infinite life, eternal light.
-Brihadaranyaka
Upanishad
Who is
Self?
-Pirate Steve
.